Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Herpes is trending, good job people
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”