You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
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What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Chemical wingman