I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
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Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
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[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.