[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
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[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
S O O N
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I love it all
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.