‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Try and stop me.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane