@mdob11: 'Siri, am I an alcoholic?', I whisper into my burrito.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@RealSudoNim: One of life's great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say "Great minds think alike".
@WildeThingy: A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack. A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said "better put down that phone."
@WildeThingy: I often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
@13spencer: One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.