‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet