Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My spirit animal is fried chicken