@guybranum: Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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@OtherDanOBrien: DENTIST: Been flossing? ME: Yup D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
@FinnMcIver: I recently bought one of those Dutch ovens, but everything I cook ends up tasting like farts.
@PaulGibson1963: Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.
@philyuck: Dominos dropped the “pizza” from its name because they’re not legally allowed to call that pizza.