Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
(Jupiter –
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.