SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.