SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.