@slimmy_shady: SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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@girlontapas: Diet app pops up "What did you have for dinner?" *looking at glass of wine* *turns off phone*
@SteelFontana: I'm going as "Twitter Elite" for Halloween. I'm going to randomly say unfunny things and not talk to anyone who speaks to me.
@WheelTod: On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
@thestlouisan: I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.