SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Tier 3 meme
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.