SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.