My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Maths meets science
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”