Siri, fight Alexa.
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Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ