Siri, fight Alexa.
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Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me