Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
starting a garage orchestra
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’