Passwords are more important than ever.
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I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.