Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
🤣
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.