“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
so this horse walks into a bar
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
happy mother’s day❤️
That’s classic.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?