Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The fall of Netflix
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready