“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you