The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad