Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Happens to everyone.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”