“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
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Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? Itâs like that, but you canât call the cops.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
no oneâs wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Rock of ages, but itâs just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Weâd like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. Iâm off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: donât want to talk about it anymore
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
âChristopher! Whatâs the rule?â
âDonât eat the Amazon guy?â
âThe other rule.â
âDonât eat the UPS guy?â
âThe OTHER rule.â
âStay off the furniture?â
âThatâs right.â
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…đđđ¶
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: And for my third wishâŠ
Genie: You realize that Little Caesarâs pizza is very affordable, right?
Kids nowadays donât know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were âInformah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwnâ and we just had to accept it.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.