Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.