@illuminatedwndr: Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad
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@I_Bl33d_Purple: When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don't say a word. Thanks.
@nice_mustard: "i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you're my only hope" "use divorce, luke"
@david8hughes: [1st day as lifeguard] Guy: there's someone drowning in the water Me [not looking up from phone]: well it'd be hard to drown in the sand
@hoopnazi: getting real tired of hearing opinions on murder from people outside the murderer community