@illuminatedwndr: Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad
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@michaeljhudson: Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo
@PaperWash: Noah build an ark "what? why" I'm gunna flood the earth "just give me fish powers" [jealous he didn't think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
@rickygervais: If a swan broke my arm I'd keep it quiet. Embarrassing. "Help, I'm being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken." Not cool.