cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
📽️movie date🎞️
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.