@ConcernedSirGuy: Sirs & Ma'ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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@cepheusjackson: ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic. RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air ME: HOLY SHIT
@farahfergie: Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
@ArfMeasures: [Cocktail bar] WAITER: Ok, what are you having? DATE: The worst night of my life ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
@shkeeber: My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.