sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Cool shirt 🙂
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.