sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
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That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear