Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.