Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
good morning
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!