Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me buying fruit and veg
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it