Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
britain’s three elite institutions
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.