[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
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Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece