Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.