Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]