@NoFlipFlops: Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident", walk away.
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@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend] Friend: Did you just throw up? Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Don't tweet that Me: *thinks about it* Wife: I'll divorce you Me: *thinks harder* Wife: And give you all 4 kids Me: *hits delete*
@Naked_Superman: Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate Baby, I'm just gonna shake their soda