Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
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I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread