@NoFlipFlops: Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident", walk away.
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@Stuccoman1: The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can't he read a magazine like a normal dog?
@House_Feminist: 1day I'll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
@DaddyJew: Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you
@NurseSeymour: There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.