left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I don’t think my car can fly
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?