Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!