Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.