Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
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In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
good work, detective
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*