[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Cinematography is my passion
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp