*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey