*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.