*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.