Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
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A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there