Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore