*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.