*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Breaking news:
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I love twitter
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If snakes were wide
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul